Humor

A young man visiting a dude ranch wanted to be "macho," so he went out walking with one of the hired hands. As they were walking through the barnyard, the visitor tried starting a conversation: "Say, look at that big bunch of cows."

The hired hand replied, "Not 'bunch,' but 'herd.' "

"Heard what?"

"Herd of cows."

"Sure, I've heard of cows. There's a big bunch of 'em right over there."

An American, a Canadian, and an Australian were sitting in a
seedy bar enjoying a few beers.

The American grabbed his beer, knocked it back in one gulp,
then he threw the glass into the air and shot it with his
handgun. As he set the handgun on the bar, he told the
Canadian and the Australian that in the great U.S. of A, they
had so much money they never drank out of the same glass
twice.

Next the Australian drank his beer, threw the glass into the air
and shot the glass with the American's gun. As he was setting
the gun back on the bar he proclaimed that in Australia they
had so much sand that glass was cheap and he too never
drank out of the same glass twice.

Next the Canadian drank his beer, grabbed the gun off the bar,
and shot the American. As he was setting the gun back on the
bar, he told the Australian that in Canada we have so many
Americans you never have to drink with the same one twice.

"Doctor, I have an ear ache."

2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"

Q. What did the fish say when it swam into the wall?

A. Dam!

Q: What fish can't swim?

A: Dead ones!

Q: What fish only swims at night?

A: A starfish!

. . . in a swimming pool? Wade

. . . in a pot of boiling water? Stu

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs

. . . buried up to the neck? Spike

. . . laying in a hole? Phil

. . . next to a hole? Doug

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs

. . . in a fireplace? Bernie

. . . an hour later? Ashley

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs

. . . stuffed in a mailbox? Bill

. . . on the president's desk? Vito

. . . lying on a lawyer's desk? Will

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs

. . . lying next to a carnival ride? Ralph

. . . without the torso? Dick

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs

. . . on the doorstep? Matt

. . . on a BBQ grill? Frank

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs

. . . in a flower pot? Pete

. . . in a bathtub? Dwayne

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs

. . . on a chalkboard? Mark

. . . on the wall? Art

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs

. . . in a pile of leaves? Rustle

. . . under a car? Jack

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

What do you call two guys with no arms & legs who:

. . . are hanging over a window? Curt & Rod

. . . are on a stage? Mike and Stan

. . . work at a cemetery? Doug and Barry

. . . are gay? Neil and Bob

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

What do you call a man with no legs?

. . . Neil

What do you call a dog with no legs?

. . . It doesn't matter he can't come anyway

What do you call a woman with one leg?

. . . Eileen

What do you call a cow with no legs?

. . . Ground Beef